A New Life

Be so Thankful for all you have now! God hears your prayers every-time you  speak to him. Be patien… | Inspirational quotes, Bible quotes, Quotes about  god

I am a big believer in the law of attraction. What you speak, think, and focus on most is what you will see manifest in your life. I have used tapping, vision boards, keeping a journal, visualization, meditation, focus wheels, and many other mindfulness methods to keep myself focused and positive. Self-awareness and being in the present moment has been the key to my success when it comes to attracting many of the positive things I have accomplished in my life. Practicing self-awareness has also helped me be very aware of the moments when I am slipping, being less focused on my goals, and focusing more on the things I don’t want.

When I caught myself slipping into the negative mindset I instantly went into action and started asking myself questions, like why? I have recently started the second and final year of grad school for the mental health counseling program while starting practicum, being the office manager of a busy mental health counseling practice that is still navigating telehealth only appointments, while taking care of all my personal relationships and responsibilities. Not to mention, I met a new guy through eHarmony, which was a unique experience that I was highly skeptical of but it has turned out to be a blessing. All of this stress is good stress but none the less, still stress. I felt overwhelmed, irritable, and just wanted time to myself.

I realized I was not taking the time to fully appreciate and be grateful for where I am in this moment and how far I have come. Everything has been falling into place at such a fast pace that I couldn’t keep up! Suddenly I felt like a poor little hamster on a high-speed wheel and I couldn’t stop to just smell the roses. I have paperwork at the office that never stops, clients that need me, homework and projects for class, parents who have doctors appointments, a teenage daughter who has one foot out of the house living at her boyfriends but still has most of her stuff at my house, friends who want to grab lunch, dinner, or at least a coffee, a new boyfriend that is in the military and can only visit one week a month so we make time to FaceTime and call each other as often as possible, pets that need a walk or to be cuddled, a home that needs cleaning, litter box that needs scooped, garden tomatoes that need picked, groceries to buy, clothes to wash, a car that needs an oil change, a body that needs to be exercised…. need I go on?!? I am spreading myself too thin at times and trying to keep all the balls in the air is impossible at times.

This is when you just have to try to appreciate the chaos and stop a moment to take it all in. You don’t have to have it all together all the time. Sometimes things will not be done perfectly but at least you are trying. Give yourself grace and remember there was a time when you were not as far along in life as you are now. You are at a point in life that maybe one time you only dreamed of. I know I have come a long way and I can finally begin to see the light at the end of the tunnel as everything really starts to fall into place. I remind myself to enjoy the process of it all coming together. Enjoy the learning process of school and working in my current job, embrace the process of fixing up my home, loving my pets, going for walks, and watching my daughter navigate her transition into becoming an adult. Absorb myself into the dating and getting to know my new boyfriend and how we laugh and love each other. Some days I may focus more on work or school, other days on self-care and family. You cannot be everywhere and do everything all in one day. Give yourself a chance to enjoy the things you have prayed for and be grateful by being fully present in whatever you choose to put your focus on for the day.

With love, health, and happiness,


Tip the Scale

Law of Attraction made simple. Think 3 positive thoughts every ...

When it comes to the power of positive thinking and attracting more positive things into your life you really should not have to work too hard at it. If you are self-aware then you can easily tip the scale of good versus bad in your favor. All it takes is 51% more positive thoughts in each day to start the turn-around process. Stop doubting, worrying, and looking for reasons why something will not work and start looking for the reasons it will! I have witnessed this process happen in my own life many times and I am finally starting to get better at keeping the scale tipped in my favor.

Everyone has good and bad days and the truth is you want to have those bad moments and bad days so that you can fully appreciate the good. Lessons and growth happen from those negative moments in life. However, the real art of allowing and acceptance is understanding those moments are temporary and not a place you plan to stay. In order to truly learn and grow from the negative there has to be movement beyond it and towards more positive alignment. The effort to move beyond is the processing of what did I learn and how can I do better? You add those nuggets of wisdom into your big bubble of knowledge, hopes, dreams and desires and keep moving forward.

Self-awareness and tipping the scale also comes in form of signs. I don’t believe in coincidence or random occurrences. I believe we are constantly attracting people, places, things, situations and experiences into our lives. Pay attention to little nudges that are the feeling of your gut or intuition guiding you on a certain path…you may be drawn to a certain book, or person, or place…listen to that inner guidance system and be open to the possibilities. I have been practicing this more and more in my life and the recent results have been almost surreal.

Finding true happiness is first within yourself. You must be happy with yourself and being alone in your own thoughts and feelings, but once you have accomplished the happiness within yourself then the alignment has already begun for everything else. You will then start to attract the desires outside of yourself as you keep in alignment with yourself. Its true in every aspect of life….when you have tended well to your job or career, your home, your relationships in life then you see growth radiate out further into bigger parts of your life. Start small and just work on yourself first and you will see big things begin to happen. All it takes is tipping that scale in the favor of positive thoughts and ideas more often throughout the day than any negative. Then watch the magic take over!

With love, health, and happiness,


To Know is To Love

When we think about sharing our lives with another person we must consider what we know about love as an individual. Think about the love you have with parents, grandparents, siblings and your siblings families, even the love you have shared with exes and maybe your own children. Then think about the love you know and share with your friends, coworkers, even your pets. Finally, think about the love you give to yourself. To truly have a strong and loving relationship with a significant other you must know what love is for you and be able to communicate it to the other person. Feeling and showing love is not the same for everyone, that is why there are books like, The Five Love Languages.

When you begin to truly know what you value and start dating, then you can be more aware of what you need to learn about the other person as well. What you find important in a relationship in order to feel love, respected and supported may not be obvious to someone else. I have friends who have learned that punctuality is important to me and I am also a bit of a planner. My love languages are words of affirmation and quality time. So discussing plans to get away for the weekend for some quality time with someone I love is super exciting for me. I have a very outgoing and humorous personality but I don’t necessarily like a man who is that way. I find myself often attracted to men who do have a great sense of humor but are more quiet and reserved types, at least out socially. The strong and serious, all business and authoritative mans man is what I find myself often attracted to. I find it special and sexy when a man has a certain side of himself that he only shares with me. I have certain things I reserve for only those most special to me as well.

As I have moved through life and become older and wiser, I often see my friends going through relationship issues or settling for a partner that isn’t quite what they want but “close enough”. I understand there may be certain compromises and exceptions made because nobody is perfect, but make sure you are being honest with yourself. Often we find ourselves making exceptions to things that we may only find slightly bothersome or annoying in the beginning stages when love is new, exciting and fun, only to realize once the new wears off, that little thing gets bigger. If you are truly accepting of someone who never makes plans until last minute or is consistently late or whatever the “thing” is, then understand…this will NEVER change so you cannot get pissed about it later. Part of dating is not just getting to know the other person, it is also letting others know who you are and in order to do that you have to know yourself and be honest.

We all know we cannot change people and we also need to admit, allowing love to grow with someone you want to change is not fair. Someone who is always late is not really an awful person who doesn’t deserve love. There are people out there that do not find constant lateness a deal breaker. It also does not mean that person disrespects everyone else in the world, maybe they are selfish assholes, or maybe they just struggle and truly want to do better. No matter which category they fall in, it is not your job to fix it. I have struggled in dating because I may encounter a guy that has many qualities I love but I realize there are things about him that really bother me. I try to rationalize and make excuses at first because he seems to fit so many aspects of what I love, but this is where we get ourselves into trouble. We must remember, the very beginning stages of dating is when we are supposed to be putting our best foot forward, so if this person is already doing things that raise flags then you have to know when to walk away.

To know yourself and what you find important in a relationship is the most important part of dating. Do not waiver or make exceptions unless you truly feel the compromise is worth it for the long haul. If you find it annoying that your new guy never puts his clothes in the hamper or dishes in the sink but he is fantastic at telling you how much he appreciates and loves you and he plans special dates with you, then maybe you can see yourself making the compromise. Only you know but you must be honest with yourself. Communication is key also, never sweep things under the rug, address the things that bug you in the beginning and give the other person a chance to think about it and take action to do better, if they continue then you will know this is something you will either have to accept or walk away from. You do not want to continue having the same conversation over and over about the same issues because those will turn to arguments and then resentment and it just never ends well. Either accept them and drop it or move on. You have to know yourself and as you get to know them, then you can decide if knowing them is really to love them.

With love, health, and happiness,


Know Your Worth

11 Things No One Tells Women About Relationships In Their Twenties ...

I am nice, probably too nice sometimes. I don’t hold grudges. I get over things and forgive pretty quickly. I focus on future and the positive and try to avoid any conflict. I try to follow the motto of treating others how I want to be treated. The truth is, no one can take advantage of you unless you allow them. If you are feeling used, disrespected, or as a last resort when people have nothing else to do, then it is up to you to address it, because no one else will. What you allow will continue. I often give people I like more chances than I should and I have tried to be more vocal and speak up for myself recently. It has been empowering and also helps save a lot of time. No second guessing or over-analyzing necessary when you have addressed something that bothers you and they acknowledge it. Then you can just sit back and wait to see if they are sincere in their apology and will try to do better or if they are just going through the motions. I mean, let’s be clear, an apology means nothing if the behavior continues right?

Sometimes it is hard to walk away from someone because it can be easy to see potential, but potential is usually just a facade we create upon first impressions. Actions speak louder than words and often people tell who they want to be but not necessarily who they are. A great potential friend that can listen and be supportive but is never on time and breaks plans last minute can be disappointing. When a person breaks plans or never makes plans, does not keep their word, is hit and miss in your life and seems indifferent about it, then they are probably not worth your time. Frequent apologies are a mark of a person who just doesn’t give a shit. If you know this is something that will only build resentment within you then you should be honest with yourself and back away from that relationship. If you hang in then you are setting yourself up for a pattern of constant disappointment. It is sad and frustrating but true.

I have experienced this in my life with both friends and in dating. They can have so many things you love but being on time and making and keeping plans is very important to me. I understand that things can happen and few minutes late is forgivable, but consistent failure to show up is just disrespectful, selfish and hurtful. Everyone has busy lives, to pretend your busy life allows you to be the exception to the rules of common courtesy just makes you an ass. Don’t make excuses for these people, if a person can truly see the error of their ways then they will come to you and apologize stating what they did wrong and make a sincere effort not to let it happen again. They will also try harder to be respectful if they see there is a situation where it could. To let it happen and just apologize for it after the fact is a cop out. Punctuality may not be an issue for you but you know yourself well enough to know what bothers you on a deeper level so don’t sweep it under the rug and say its fine when it is not. You have a responsibility to respect yourself first because if you don’t how can you expect anyone else to respect you?

You are worthy of being treated well. You are worthy of an explanation and sincere apology if someone is about to disappoint you or has disappointed you. You are worthy of being a priority and someone taking the time to make plans with you and show up and be excited to spend time with you. You are worthy of voicing your opinion and feelings, being heard and having expectations for how you want to be treated. You are also worthy enough to be okay with walking away if someone is unable to meet those expectations. What we are discussing here are not super high expectations, they are the bare minimum basic building blocks of any healthy relationship. If a person in your life is not willing to give you at least the foundation building blocks then you have nothing to build upon. Be honest with yourself and know when to walk away. Know your worth.

With love, health, and happiness,


Your Capacity to Love

The capacity to be alone is the capacity to love. · MoveMe Quotes

I used to think loving someone was pretty much a black or white thing. Either you loved them or you didn’t. I hated to hear people say, I love you but I am not in love with you. I understood there was love of family, love of friends, and then romantic love, but I didn’t really believe romantic love could also have different levels. Over time, after one marriage and two long term relationships, I realize the level of love or the ability of love one is able to give can grow exponentially over time. I believe, along with life experiences, knowledge and growth within ourselves, and learning to love who we truly are can give us the ability to love differently in each relationship we choose.

I had young love when I married young and had my daughter. Then I had another level of love in the next relationship that felt deeper and after a few years I found another love that changed me over time. I know that I was still learning and growing and those relationships could not or would not grow with me for one reason or another and they ended. Now I have been out of my last long term relationship for a year. I have dated but as many of us do, I tried to be more open minded like my friends suggested and dated guys that I would not typically choose. I quickly realized I should probably listen less to my friends, as helpful as they were trying to be, and just do what feels right for me.

At this point in life I feel that I am on the right track with what I want in life and have a good idea of the type of man I can see myself with. Looking back I can see how the things I once desired in a relationship have changed and I am thankful for the experiences I have had that have helped me gain clarity. Priorities often change with age. Our ability to love is based on so many things and sometimes people can really love you but their capacity to love is limited….this could be for many reasons. Abuse, maturity level, inability to heal from a past heartbreak, childhood trauma, lack of experience or understanding, emotional immaturity, lacking communication and/or social skills…all of these things can be factors that affect a persons capacity to love.

I have cleared the decks and removed all interested from my past and present to center on one man who seems to be many of the things I desire, but it takes time to know for sure. I have rushed into things before full of hope and I have learned that it never turns out good. So I will be patient, listen, observe, and see how he treats me, does he make time for me, does his actions match his words? Is he respectful, is he trying to communicate and show emotional maturity, can he apologize and admit when he is wrong and commit to doing better? Does he make me laugh and smile? Is he supportive of my hopes and dreams and does he openly share with me his own? Does he think of me in his busy day and let me know I am on his mind and does he ask about me and my day? These are things that most women would say they desire in a relationship and they seem pretty simple, but it is amazing to me how often they are missing from the beginning and we make excuses or exceptions for them.

It is important to understand where a persons capacity for love is and if it is a match for you. The truth is, most women naturally have a higher capacity for love than men, so keep that in mind. We are nurturers and even chemically connect once a sexual encounter has occurred. Men are not wired the same, connection for them happens differently. Slow movers are not necessarily a bad thing. Sexual chemistry is great and necessary but in order to have a truly fulfilling and lasting relationship it must go deeper. Today adults have so much to navigate, so understanding busy work schedules, shared custody of children, going back to college schedules and study time for a higher degree, taking care of a home and any pets, time for self-care and health, family and friends….by the time you factor all of those things in to a new relationship it leaves very little time to get to know someone. So often late night phone calls or texting can happen, but you don’t want this to become the basis of communication (especially texting). The patterns you set in the beginning will be hard to break if the relationship begins to grow.

The desire to find a loving partner is often stated, but the desire to work for a good relationship is where many fail. Love does not come easy, it is a choice to love someone and the effort you are willing to put in says a lot about your capacity to love. Get your priorities straight and make room for that relationship if it is something you truly desire. Love, family, career, and home are what many find most important in life, which areas could you be putting more effort into? Are you making time to nurture a new relationship and learn and grow or are you just going through the motions? Be honest with yourself on what you want and the effort you are willing to put in, know your capacity to love.

With love, health, and happiness,


Ask, then Believe

Conceive | Believe | Achieve

In life many of us have a little problem with the need to control situations, people, things…We get impatient and try to move things along and often this just manifests more doubt. See…in order to really have faith you have to be willing to ask and then let it go. Act as if it is done. Know in your heart, your mind, and your soul that if you are in alignment and this is something that is truly right for you, then it will be. The clearer you can feel it and see it the more quickly it will come. When you think about it don’t dwell on the what-ifs, the blocks, the doubts, the things that could go wrong or the worries of what the other person may be thinking. It really isn’t about anybody else. It is about you and how you feel in this very moment.

Think of something you really desire in life and write down the first 5 thoughts that honestly jump into your head. Are they positive or negative? If you have been wanting a happy relationship but you focus more on all the negatives in the dating process or in other people, and more quickly give reasons why you aren’t in a relationship than the reasons why you should be then maybe you need to refocus. How we think and feel in the moment we are asking will have the greatest impact on the outcome. When asking for your desire be in a happy place. Allow yourself to fully absorb into the idea of how you would feel having it. Every. Little. Detail. The more specific the better! Meditate on that thought every day, at least once a day if not more.

Be self-aware, if you are asked about it or having a bad day and things have just not manifested the way you want just yet don’t speak of the lack. Instead be prepared with a positive general response to others and yourself. Things are flowing right along and everything is right on track! What we speak and think about most is what will be. Keep it positive, keep the faith, and know that it is yours! Ask and believe, this is how we achieve! This is the key to manifesting!

With love, health, & happiness,


Be Patient

Perspective is everything #newyearthoughts #dating #single ...

Many of us have to work hard to be patient in life. This is a world of instant gratification and long bucket lists of things people want to see, do, and have. Often, people go through dating a few people and may find a person they are with for a few years and then once that relationship ends they move on, and they still have expectations they cling to. This often happens when we are older and more clear on what we are looking for. It is important to remember that each new person is a whole new process and you must start from the very beginning. Just because you may have been further along in your mindset with the last person doesn’t mean you get to start at that point with the next person. You have to hit the reset button and not rush in to things. Rebounds and moving too soon can get people into complicated situations that are not only frustrating but can be hurtful. It takes time to really know a person authentically.

If you are separated but not divorced, or in the process of a divorce, or maybe you are just discussing divorce and unhappy in your relationship/marriage…please do the world a favor and finish that before you try to date. If you cannot fully be present with the person you are trying to date because of loose ends in another relationship then you are basically being selfish. It takes a strong individual to push aside their own wants and needs and do things right, but isn’t that the whole point? End the unhappiness you are currently in and realign so that you can do better. The point is to admit you are outgrowing the current relationship, learn from it, and resolve to move forward making wiser decisions.

I do believe you can have chemistry very quickly and a chemical reaction like lust can feel so strong that you lose logic. When someone is hurting from a recent break they long to find those things they have been missing. This can cause a person to latch on to aspects of a person without fully taking the time to know all of them. Sometimes it isn’t physical, it can be more of a mental connection that draws you in. The goal is to get to know every aspect of the person and this takes time and patience. Physical aspects of a relationship can happen fast leaving us to navigate deeper conversations later and that is not always a bad thing. If the physical chemistry is fantastic then you have something to build on. Obviously, sex isn’t everything but it is an important part of a healthy relationship.

Good relationships are built on a good foundation. It takes time to establish trust, support, respect, understanding, teamwork, friendship, and mutual goals with another person. You can’t jump in all willy-nilly judging someone from your own past or what you get at face value. You have to get to know them and their own story to fully understand if the potential for a future is there. Enjoy the process by having fun with the occasional calls, texts, dates, and other adventures and you will begin to see their true colors in a few months time, if not sooner! Patience is most definitely a virtue when it comes to dating!

With love, health, and happiness


Recognizing a Good Thing

I have found in my dating process that often things are not what they seem to be at first. Of course we all put our best foot forward in the the beginning and only after time do we start to see the reality of what things might be like longterm. However, the older we get in the dating game the more quickly we can see through to the real deal and determine if this is a person with potential. It is also good to have boundaries, and know your deal makers and deal breakers. I find my list of deal breakers interesting at times because I may waiver on one only to see another revealed that seals the deal of a big no thank you! Each person we meet brings something new to the table and it isn’t just a process of checking off boxes on a list but taking in the whole package of the person.

As we get older and grow in our lives our desires in a partner will change. One of the qualities I find important now that never occurred to me when I was younger is consistency…a man who is constant and steady in his morals, values, beliefs, behavior, and words, no matter what the situation might be. If I engage in a conversation through text and I can look back on previous conversations and see inconsistencies it leads me to believe that he may be grasping at straws to connect and only telling me what he thinks I want to hear in the moment and not truly expressing himself. By our forties most people should know where they stand on certain things in life and have the ability to state it clearly. I also think being a man of your word is important, if you say you are going to call at a certain time, then call and if you don’t, be aware and apologize. I also find it important to understand all five love languages when dating someone. It can quickly clue you in if this person is capable of expressing their love in all areas and help you narrow down which one may be their primary love language because usually what they show to others most is how they feel most loved in return.

When dating, it is also good to remember that men and women are different and often men can go through their busy work day fully focused on the task in front of them and nothing else. While women are natural multi-taskers who can do work, make a grocery list, and analyze the last words said to her by the man of interest with a girlfriend! Knowing the differences can save yourself a lot of confusion and misunderstandings in the dating process. I highly recommend the late and great, Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus to get a clearer idea on how our thoughts and feelings translate into a relationships from a male and female perspective.

In the end it is important to stick to your own wants and needs in a relationship but also understand the difference between a want and a need. I have higher standards than I did 10 years ago and I am much more clear on the type of man I see myself with. Sometimes it is hard to admit when you really get down to it, the things you want in a relationship are going to require you to make changes in how you live as well. I had this recent revelation with someone I am newly dating. It is rare for a man to state upfront that he has an end game and states that goal is marriage. He isn’t dating to just be dating, he is looking for a partner. When that is stated before the first date it puts a whole new spin on things, but it is also refreshing. After many wishy-washy men, it is so attractive to meet a man who has a game plan and states it confidently and is taking steps to actively reach the goals, not just all talk. When you find a person who matches you on many levels and has similar goals in mind, along with the chemistry factor it can be very exciting. Forcing yourself to take things slow and steady is smart because you still have to give the dating process time to develop and remember reality has not fully been revealed yet. Choose to give the person adequate time and space to reveal who they are in many aspects, not just always seeing them in the dating realm. Learn how they interact with their children, at work, with their ex, family and the types of friends they have, and even around pets. Take time to evaluate and not rushing is the best way to recognize a good thing.

With love, health, and happiness,


Lesson’s Learned


Sometimes I find myself making decisions on people and then after some time passes I reconsider and let them back in my world only to be reminded why I let them go the first time.  There are people who bring us lessons and people who bring us blessings in life and there are some that may do both.  Those that bring a bit of a lesson and a blessing can be the most frustrating and confusing, forcing you to take a step back and look at the bigger picture.  What is the end-game?  Is this a person who brings much joy to your life or more negativity? Law of attraction will sometimes bring people into our lives when we are not in a great place. Water seeks its own level.  We feel a connection to another person that fits the whole “misery loves company” mantra but then, if we are smart, we work our way out of the misery.  Then what happens when the other person does not leave the misery?

This may leave you feeling obligated to help pull that other person out of their situation, because , well…they helped you in your hard time.  However, this is not how it is meant to be.  The truth is, if you were able to make the choices to pull yourself out of the low point and move forward, then so can they.  Do the counseling, make the hard choices, work on yourself, but don’t latch on to another for validation or completion, not in friendships or romantic relationships.  Asking another individual “what do you want me to be” is the wrong question to be asking.  The real question is what do you want to be, or better yet, who do you want to be? Laying that kind of pressure on another person is not only wrong but it leaves yourself looking insecure and needy.  Many confuse this kind of complete vulnerability with love and it is not.  Illusions of that kind of love often leads to a never-ending rotation of unfulfilling relationships with people who are looking to be completed by another individual.  I don’t know about you but I want someone who is already complete and happy in life on their own!

Learning that the ups and downs we are experiencing in life can attract these lessons or blessings people can help us be more aware of why and be rational about our expectations.  I truly believe people, places, and things are attracted to us at certain times and give us feedback on what path we may need to take.  Personally, my eyes were opened to a deep need for communication and conversation and I quickly found that connection.  However, as I became more aware of what I was missing it helped me move out of my unhappy situation and grow to realize there were even more things I had been missing and I began to find those things in others along my path as well.  If you keep going and growing eventually you reach a person who is on a similar path. Your friends want to do things that excite you, letting you know that they are on the same path.  If you find certain people boring, annoying, or overly negative, then those are probably people you attracted at a low point and are now outgrowing.  Life is a constant cycle and some things and people are for a season and some for a much bigger reason.  It is good to recognize and accept this fact.

I have found conversations that connect with me and draw me in with questions about myself with a desire to not assume they know me but want to learn about me from my own words.  There is nothing worse than hearing from a person who definitely doesn’t know your soul telling you they already know you, maybe better than you know yourself.  One of the biggest lessons in life is understanding that you will never fully know anyone so well that asking for clarity would be a mistake.  If you don’t ask questions then you are just making assumptions based on your own desires and feelings.  That leads to expectations, confusion, and heartache.  Stop and take a breath to evaluate, listen, and observe.  When you put your desires out into the universe and keep a positive outlook you will attract those that are right for you and others that are not will naturally fade away.  If they see the value in you they will try to find the lesson and grow as well but often many people remain stuck looking for their saving grace not knowing that they should be their own saving grace before they can find a fulfilling life of friendships and a romantic partner. So ask yourself, are you repeating a cycle or learning new things?  Are you allowing yourself to move away from relationships that are no longer serving you or staying in the dead end?  Are you learning the lessons in order to find more of the blessings?

With love, health and happiness,





Betrayal and Trauma


She went out for girls night and made eye contact with a particular guy across the way.  He was with a group of his work buddies and later they joined the table of girls and bought drinks.  Numbers were exchanged and stories told and at the end of the night a connection was made.  He was only in town for a short time with work and had no great expectations.  They met for drinks again over the next few days and a third meeting before he was soon to leave out of town. The third meeting started out great and the connection was instant like the previous meetings.  They ended up going back to his place and it was passionate and intense until something strange happened.  In the middle of sex she realized he had propped up his phone to record her without her consent.  When she realized what was happening she quickly grabbed and looked at him horrified asking the obvious…were you recording me?!  She slammed the phone down and ran to the bathroom.  Tears and panic and heartache gripped her her.  In a course of 3 weeks a connection was made, many texts shared as they flirted and got to know each other and in one moment everything that seemed fun, new and exciting went to a nightmare.

He apologized from outside the bathroom door and swore he deleted it and it was mistake and something he had never done before.  She knew this was not only a betrayal of trust between to consenting adults but could be a legal matter.  She stood and looked at herself in the mirror the tears wanting to come but she wouldn’t let them.  She was in such shock that she came out of the bathroom and laid on the bed next to him unsure of what to do, then she said I am sorry (yes she apologized to him) but I have to go.  He said he wanted her to stay and he offered the phone to show it was deleted but she didn’t care she just wanted to run.  He dressed and walked her to her car and kissed her on the forehead apologizing again and she got in her car and drove home.  Still in shock she sat in the bottom of the shower trying to wash away how dirty she felt, ashamed and embarrassed for letting someone take advantage.  Shaming herself as if she had control over this mans actions in that moment.  Angry at herself more than him.  She allowed him to kiss her and drove home numb.

The texts came next of apologies and him stating how embarrassed and ashamed of himself he was for the whole situation.  She wasn’t sure how to feel.  She said she wasn’t mad, just hurt.  She forgave him. She just wanted to be sure he deleted it and didn’t share it with anyone but how would she ever know for sure. She wanted to forget it happened but knew she never would.

This is trauma…we never know how we will respond in a situation like this and it may be easy to say I would have done A, B, or C when you hear another persons story, but in the moment we react in a way that may seem passive, almost too calm and understanding.  Then the emotions come in waves over the next few hours, days, maybe even weeks and months depending on the trauma and the person.  These moments, interactions with people in life can change us forever, how we relate to men in the future.  It can break you in some ways and not just your heart but your spirit and then you have to work like hell to trust again….to want to believe there are good men still out there that won’t do things like this.  Sexual trauma or trauma in general doesn’t have to be an event that leaves a mark on you physically or even anything done physically, they were consenting in the sex but the betrayal of trust in that act is still trauma.  Acknowledge it and allow yourself to process these moments and understand that it is not your fault and you are not a bad person for being in the situation.  You are not alone.

With love, health, happiness and healing