A Positive Way to Let Go

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As we move through life and get older we often encounter relationships and experiences that leave a mark on us.  Unfortunately, the marks left and most memorable seem to be the negative ones.  Often we replay conversations in our heads and think about how we should have handled things differently or said something different in those moments or maybe you feel you should not have said anything and just walked away.  Maybe you made bad choices and those stay in your mind overriding any good choices you might have made along the way.  The truth is, we are all our own worst critic and we tend to be much harder on ourselves than anyone else would be.

Holding on to those negative experiences and choices from the past and replaying them in your head only builds the negativity within your mind, body, and soul and can only lead to increased stress and even illness.  It is important to find a way to accept the past for what it is, take away any lesson or growth opportunity that you can apply in the future and fully let go of all the other nonsense that plays on repeat.  Holding on to past negativity can poison your future if you hold on to it, especially if you take the negativity from old relationships into your new ones.  This is why it is so important to give yourself time to grieve and heal from a broken relationship before moving on to a new one.

Letting go is a conscious choice and not always an easy one.  Ruminating over past incidents that may have hurt or angered you is part of the healing process in order for your mind to try and make sense of the pain you are feeling.  After a period of time the ruminating no longer serves as part of the healing process and becomes unhealthy.  Letting go is necessary and requires just admitting to yourself that you may never fully understand why things happened the way they did.  You may never understand the mind of another person and trying to will only create more struggle and hurt.  Each day is a new day and a chance to choose differently about how you feel and what you choose to think about.  Why choose negativity when you can choose something positive?

Science has shown where you focus in the mind is what will manifest in your life. Here are some ways to shift from the negative to a more positive thought process…

  • Write your new story focusing on how you want things to be when you are living your best life.
  • Create a vision board on Pinterest of all the things you love and places you want to travel.
  • Make a goals list of long and short term goals.
  • Create a focus wheel.
  • Write a list of positive affirmations.
  • Go for a walk or hike in nature.
  • Spend time with your pets.
  • Take a yoga class that involves meditation.
  • Invite friends to breakfast instead of dinner to start your day positive.
  • Learn to cook something new.
  • Get a massage.
  • Take a bubble bath while listening to a positive audio book or pod cast.
  • Plan a trip, even if its just a weekend road trip.
  • Go to your place of spiritual connection, church, or nature…wherever you feel most connected to God or your source of love.
  • Smile more throughout your day and be nice to strangers you encounter.
  • Learn something new or start a new hobby.

These are just a few things that can inspire and motivate to stay in a positive frame of mind and not get stuck on that hamster wheel of negative thinking.  I have practiced enough I will only speak positive over the people who have hurt me in my past if they come up in conversation.  I refuse to relive that part of my life and I sincerely pray for them to find a better way of living as well.  The laws of the universe will only bring those negative thoughts, words, or feelings back around to you eventually anyway.  So train yourself to choose to look for the positive and focus there, research shows, just 17 seconds of focus on something positive can shift your whole day.  If you start making a habit to catch yourself when your words, thoughts, or actions are becoming negative you can make a shift.  Move yourself to a positive exercise or just go general if being positive seems too frustrating in the moment.  Pause and allow yourself to become hyper aware of your surroundings and how your body feels, what thoughts are flowing through your mind?  Self-awareness is the key to changing the negative thought patterns and refocusing on the positive. It takes practice but it will be life changing.

With love, health, happiness,

Stacy

 

What I Have Learned

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At 41 and about to cross over into 42 I have learned a lot about the world around me and myself.  My life has been full of ups and downs and through it all I grown to be a happier and healthier woman.  Lately, I admit sadness takes up residence in a corner of my heart due to loss of a relationship but as I have experienced before, this too shall pass.  As I move through my day, getting up each morning to make my bed, meditate and pray, shower, brush my teeth and feed my pets, these routines give me comfort. My drive to work each morning is usually listening to an audio book and often my morning routine at the office means arriving early and involves coffee, checking emails and maybe a little time to write.

As I move through my work day I like the freedom to work through each task at my own pace and often work through my lunch hour because I truly love my job.  Leaving around 5 each day I listen to my audio book again or sometimes I choose to listen to music.  Evenings may very, but often throughout the week I have dinner either alone or with my daughter, if I even eat dinner.  Sometimes my evening classes in grad school prevent even having time for dinner.  When I am home alone and don’t have class I may take an hour for Netflix or Prime, use the evening for study time or reading a book of my choice.  Reading soon leads to crawling into bed and a cup of hot tea before finally falling asleep.  Then I wake the next day to do it all over again.

Sometimes, I may go for walks in the evenings after work or have dinner with a friend.  Occasional yoga classes, kayaking or hiking on the weekends keep me active.  I try to plan little trips throughout the year to explore a place I have never been in one trip and to get my beloved beach time at least once a year.  I love my three cats, my dog and my house plants and my beautiful 18-year-old daughter who is in college and works.  She makes occasional appearances to spend time with her mom when she isn’t working on school, working at the restaurant or spending time with her boyfriend and friends.  I am a partial empty nester, which means I spend a lot of evenings throughout the week home alone, but that doesn’t really make me lonely.  I have learned to really appreciate my alone time.

As I recount my day to day activity I realize that I am living a blessed life.  I have so much to be thankful for and I have learned that being exactly where I am is enough.  I have spent most of my life striving to be, do, and have more and honestly, it can be exhausting.  Just accepting and fully appreciating who I am, what I have accomplished and all the people I have met, experiences I have had, places I have traveled….I know I have done well and nobody can take that away. I have learned that people may come and go in our lives but those who truly have touched my heart will remain in my heart.  I have learned that to truly forgive brings a peace that cannot be matched.  I have learned that there is no wrong way to love and you cannot love too much, there are just people that may not be ready for the type of love or the amount of love you have to give.  I have learned that no dream is too big and no act of kindness is too small to matter.

Some mornings I may wake thinking I just don’t feel like going through the same old routine again, I just want to pull the covers over my head and hide out.  What I have learned about that feeling, it is normal.  We all have days where we can’t really explain why but we just don’t want to get up and go.  I have also learned that pushing through is often good but sometimes it is okay to just call in to work and take a mental health day.  I have learned that it is okay to not always be positive and have a smile on your face, but the more you smile the better life usually is.  I have learned many things in my life and as Thanksgiving approaches and I reflect on the last 41 years, I know one thing is for sure, I will never stop learning.  The peace of slowing down and appreciating exactly where I am in this moment is truly the best lesson I have learned yet.  I ask that as you prepare to have time with family and/or friends this holiday season to just fully appreciate the moment and always look for the lesson.

With love, health and happiness,

Stacy

What is a Great Partnership to You?

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When I think about all I have learned in my life through experiences and my relationships I am able to see how my desires in life have changed.  To say that a person never really changes is a bit of a myth in my opinion.  The truth is, the people who are not changing are not ready or do not have a desire to.  Change is always possible and often necessary in order to live a full life.  I am definitely not the same woman I was at 21 or 31.  I have grown a lot through the years and I feel I am getting better with age.

So with that being said, I also realize my desires in a relationship have changed.  With the ending of each relationship it is good to re-evaluate where we are in life and reflect on the things we found good and bad in the relationship.  Breaking it down during the grieving process is not just helpful to make sense of things but helpful to gain clarity on what you want to do differently moving forward.  I know there are things I will do differently moving forward in my life.  I have spoke about setting boundaries and I believe that is one area where I am definitely going to be stronger but also paying closer attention to a persons other relationships.

When I think about a great partnership I often think of qualities I would like in a man, the real focus for me is not just his individual qualities but how he interacts with the world around him.  Observing an individual and how they interact with their family and friends, coworkers, strangers they encounter in a normal day… I have found this to be the most telling about an individual.  We often tend to put our best foot forward when we are newly dating and really like someone, so we are more likely to be on our best behavior.  I prefer to take a different perspective.  The level of openness, vulnerability, time devoted, and how a person communicates and interacts with others that have been in their lives for a while will give you better insight into what you will see of them once you are passed the honeymoon stage.  This is probably the most valuable lesson I can take away from my most recent relationship.

Looking back and considering the interactions and relationships that already existed  I can easily see all the signs of things that would never work to nurture a happy healthy relationship.  I admit I saw it early on but as a typical therapist minded individual I saw potential for change and believed I could be the catalyst.  Unfortunately, I chose to ignore the fact that the desire and readiness for change in him had nothing to do with me. I know looking forward I would like someone capable of building deep and beautiful relationships with the ability to openly communicate and be vulnerable, challenge himself to take risks when it comes to connecting with others.  A person who initiates the hard conversations and the intimacy.  Someone who is willing to face a challenge head on and not run away when things get hard.  A man who understands in order to keep the spark alive it takes effort and doesn’t just happen magically.   These are things that set a man apart for me.

My parents have been married for 56 years and they are the first to tell me that relationships take work.  Yet they also express the absolute purest form of love with each other that I have ever seen.  As I watch my dad help my mom in the kitchen they tease each other and my heart feels full of joy.  A simple kiss from my dad to my mothers forehead as he passes by to the sink with a dirty dish….my short mom reaching for a bowl on the top shelf and my dad laughing as he reaches to get it for her.  My older brother is married with four little boys, we get excited and talk loud retelling funny stories on each other.  My 18 year old daughter watches her four nephews run around like crazy and becomes more clear on the fact that she does not want children…we laugh because we both know someday she will.  Observing my family at the holidays and how we interact I know love is a staple that can be easily found.

I know not all families are like mine and not all people have had good examples of a healthy relationship.  The desire to learn, understand, grow and have those relationships has to be there in order to change for the better.  This can be scary and hard at first, if you haven’t allowed yourself to be vulnerable and face the hard conversations before but it is so worth it.   People who truly love you and want to know you will respect and appreciate the effort.  Observe those you are getting to know and may be considering spending more time with.  Long talks over dinner can tell you many things but just watching a person interact with others is even more telling.  Learning about a person takes time, don’t rush it, and pay attention to actions, they often speak louder than words.  Watch, listen, and learn….

With love, health and happiness,

Stacy

Break-ups & teenage children

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I have a very unique situation in my life where my now ex boyfriend is the boss of my 18-year-old daughter.  She was working for his business before we broke up and has respectfully handled the situation but not without heartache and difficulties of her own.  Sometimes adults do not realize the impact a break-up can have on older children.  My ex-boyfriend and my daughter did not bond a significant amount right away, it has been a slow process.  I never really allowed any men to be in her life during my single years until this man came along. He was significant and she knew it.  She observed how he treated me and how he interacted in his business, life, church and friendships.  Through this time he bought her sweet gifts and they had a few conversations and playful moments between them.  Eventually she came to work for him.  It is easy to think this simple communication and interaction over the course of our four year relationship was just a blip on my teenage daughters radar but I had a very profound moment last night that said something very different.

My daughter came to my room at the end of a busy weekend and sat on the edge of my bed, I looked up to see her face was red and upset and tears were about to burst from her eyes any moment.  I was prepared for something awful and personal concerning school or her boyfriend but what came from her mouth just left me dumbfounded and even more heartbroken.  My daughter is a waitress while going to college and has made me very proud with her hard work and dedication.  Saturday night at work, as she rounded the corner she caught sight of my ex sitting alone at the end of the bar eating dinner.  He is her boss and often eats there or grabs food from the restaurant before heading home. Normally, she said she would not have thought a thing of it but in that moment it made her mad and upset.  She said her emotions were so strong that she almost started crying right there in the restaurant.  She told me the thoughts in her head as she wondered how he could prefer to sit there alone when he could have her mother sitting there with him sharing dinner and conversation.  She went on to express how she had all of these things she wanted to share with him about school and her career choices and how the opportunity seemed lost because now she was just hurt and angry.  She was afraid if she did open up she would be disrespectful and she knew that would not be something I would approve of.  So she just walked away.

As I move through my heartache I realize my love for this man is strong and when I see and hear how it affects my daughter it moves me even more.  I want to encourage her to still have a relationship with him.  I explain to her that the value he brings to her life should not be affected by our relationship status.  However, she says it feels too hard.  This loss has affected our little family in a way that I cannot fully describe and I wonder….does he even have a clue?  Just as I have worked through my own grieving process I realize how my daughter must work through her own.  I realize that working for him, seeing him weekly, and having all these things she wants to say can be even harder for her in some aspects.  We both chose him in our lives in a way and he has backed away from the opportunity to stay.  It has been four months and my daughter finally released all of the feelings and emotions surrounding this change and loss and it reignited some feelings within me.  Having the holidays so close this is usually a time when she would normally be spending more time around him outside of work.  My heart aches for him and for my daughter and at the end of that line-up is still my own heartache about the situation.

The loss of a relationship is so profound and I encourage men and women who make the decision to be in the lives of a person with children to make that decision with great care, even older teenage and adult children.  Understand when you have the conversations with your significant other, and choose to walk away, it is wise to address the situation with the kids being left as well. I know this may not be an easy task to take on but I stress that if you are not up for dealing with all the responsibilities that come with being in a relationship then ask yourself if you should even enter into it.  At the end of the day we don’t have a crystal ball to know how things will end up and even if there are good intentions from the beginning when things do not last it is important to handle each relationship with care.  Take ownership of your own part in the process and make sure if you do walk away that you can walk away with peace in your heart that you respected all involved.

With love, health, and happiness,

Stacy

 

 

Finding Peace

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True peace is different for all of us but there is no doubt the feeling is often the same.  Those moments in life when everything just seems to finally slow down and you feel calm in your mind, body, and soul.  Watching a beautiful sunset while sitting on the beach can be one of those peaceful and awe-inspiring moments in life.  I usually feel it with moments in nature but I have also come to appreciate a different kind of peace.  This new sense of peace has come from acceptance and fully embracing the present moment no matter where I am and what I am doing.

I have tried to make it a practice to list things I am thankful for in my life, to listen to audiobooks and podcasts that motivate me and help me create more positive habits in my life.  I try to eat healthy, stay active, make time for friends and family, work hard at improving myself in my education and career and also work in time for personal self-care.  I devote my time and money to paying off my debts, investing in my home and personal growth and all of these efforts are starting to show positive results in my life.

In life we often get so busy trying to make time for all of these goals and different areas of our lives that we end up not fully appreciating the moments when we are in them.  We may be in the car only partially listening to the audiobook or podcast.  We may be spending time with friends or family and thinking about something else we should be doing at home, work, or in school.  These distractions away from the present moment will keep our minds and bodies in a constant state of stress.  Always wanting to be somewhere else, or at least thinking we need to be.  Always feeling we need to be working towards something or doing something creates a feeling of pressure within us that we are never doing or being enough.

Basically, our minds, bodies and souls are never really in a state of peace.  Those little window moments of actual peace become few and far between and are usually only inspired when we encounter some place new, like on a vacation or during a special occasion.  Now is a time to start making a shift in our lives.  This shift can already been seen in the fact that yoga and meditation are becoming more popular and mindfulness techniques are even being taught to school children.  This shift is needed in order for our chaotic world to start finding more peace.  When in a moment of doing anything, even as simple as petting your cat or washing your hands, allow yourself to just stop the incessant thinking and allow yourself to be. Take in all the sensory perceptions around you in the moment and allow peace and joy to just sweep over you.

You do not have to be in the majestic mountains or standing on the beach overlooking the vast ocean in order to find peace each day.  The simplicity of watching leaves fall from the trees outside your kitchen window as you wash the dishes and smell the coffee brewing in the morning can be just as beautiful and calming.  Watching your children or a pet sleep while sitting quietly, reading a book can be a point of peace.  Over-thinking, over-analyzing and basically, over-doing anything is just not good for the mind, body, or soul.  Allow yourself to fully accept where you are in this moment and fully embrace it.  Find peace in where you are and who you are without any thought to what was, or what will be, what should, could or would be…Just smile and know this is the only time that matters and you can let the rest of it go.  You will find in the simple act of letting it all go is the true path to peace.

With love, health, and happiness,

Stacy

Life Without Alcohol

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I do not drink on a regular basis and when I do I don’t usually drink much.  However, as I have aged I have become much more aware of how alcohol affects me physically and emotionally.  I have slowly began to cut out alcohol in my life and it really isn’t a big deal until I make social plans with friends.  I have realized that a large part of my social connections involve having drinks.  Bowling night with the girls often involves cheap beers at the bowling alley.  Meeting up for brunch involves mimosa’s or a bloody mary, lunch at the winery includes a bottle of wine, dinner and drinks or girls night at someones house often involves a blender and frozen margaritas.  It has become the social norm to automatically assume I will be drinking if I go out for the weekend or hang out with my friends.  How do we adjust our social lives to no longer revolves around alcohol?

It has been my goal to steadily create the healthiest, happiest version of myself.  So I ask myself, what would bring me joy and truly allow me to feel better at the end of each weekend after spending time with my friends?  As I began to brainstorm I thought of many great ideas but the real challenge would be determining if my friends were up for it too.  A spa day with facials, massages, manicures and pedicures.  Meeting for breakfast and having a yummy flavored coffee or tea instead of an alcoholic drink.  Working on our health by taking a yoga class or going for a hike.  Getting cultured by planning a day of museums, the ballet or opera, a play or musical or just going to watch live music and order something fun to eat that you have never tried before.  Be a kid again and go to the zoo or an amusement park and order the lemonade and eat a corn dog! A game or movie night with lots of good food and get creative with creating non-alcoholic punch or spritzers that feel like you are getting something special, just not the hangover the next morning!  Build a bonfire and make apple cider, hot cocoa or special coffees to enjoy while talking about life.  Make questions and put them in a bowl before the evening starts and then let each person draw from the bowl to stimulate the conversation.  Put the phones away, the alcohol away and really engage in getting to know each other again on a personal level without anything standing in the way.

We self medicate and escape the stresses of life with alcohol or constantly reach for our phones in a moment of silence instead of just taking it all in and fully appreciating a moment.  It is something special to be fully aware and clear minded, to see others and really want to connect.  This world needs more of that and I hope to create more within my circle of friends.  I find that technology and alcohol seem to be the common distractions or things that keep me from feeling my best.  What do you need to remove from your life that is a distraction keeping you from connecting on a deeper level with yourself and others?

With love, health, and happiness,

Stacy

 

 

 

Revisiting the Past for Inspiration

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About four years ago I had just started the relationship that has recently ended.  We came into each others lives when we already had full lives and plans made as single individuals.   So that summer he went with friends to California while I visited one of my closest friends in Florida.  During that time I felt amazing.  I was working a full time and part time job and had not started back to school yet but I was seriously thinking about it.  Thinking back to that time in my life, just four short years ago, I realize how much I loved about myself and how much I have grown and accomplished.  I completed my bachelors degree, started my masters degree, changed jobs, paid off my car and other debt and so many other adventures have occurred along the way.  It is easy to feel sad and focus on the things that went wrong or we could have done better in a relationship once it ends but in order to really appreciate life and move forward in a healthy way it is better to really focus on the good.

Looking back I truly thought I had found a guy that had a healthy life and full life of his own, like I did, and we could come together in a way that would allow us to maintain those lives while adding to each others.  I had found an honorable and trustworthy man that I did not have to challenge and check-up on because he seemed to constantly challenge himself in life to constantly grow and be a better man in every aspect.  I thought I had found my equal, a man who saw the world not exactly like me but was on a similar path and a few steps ahead of me to offer support and guidance in my goals while I supported him in his already established business.  It was an exciting time and it felt like a relationship full of potential and promise.  Considering where things are now I realize that my perspective was not exactly in alignment with his and maybe it never was.  I will probably never know what his thoughts were at that time or at any specific time in the relationship.  All I know is,  my intentions were good from the beginning and I loved him to the fullest and after it is all said and done I feel he did love me too.

As I move forward I have discovered the process of grief covers many emotions and sorting through the past is necessary.  Once we get through the shock, heartbreak, sadness, anger and forgiveness of self and the other person we finally come to a place of acceptance.  In that moment we can hopefully look back at the time spent with the other person and appreciate the good, the bad, and the ugly, as part of the journey to who we are today.  I am inspired by that little bit thinner, much more tanned, longer hair version of myself four years ago.  She was full of hope and joy for so many things and four years later she has accomplished many of them!  So now is a time to set some new hopes and dreams and see what the next four years will bring!  Lets get inspired this holiday season as the year comes to an end…inspired by our past courage, faith, motivation, endurance, and grit to keep finding the positive, learning and growing with every experience life throws our way!

With love, health, and happiness,

Stacy

 

 

 

 

 

 

Grief Recovery

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As I move forward in my mental health counseling graduate school I realize that I have a passion for working with couples and grief counseling.  My ultimate goal is to combine my 15 years of working in holistic wellness with my counseling practice.  This will include yoga, mindfulness, meditations, visualizations, Ayurveda, and neuroscience and many other processes to help individuals have a full and healthy life in body, mind, and spirit.  As I move forward in my education, while working full time, I often feel extra stress and I usually manage it really well.  However, I have realized with my recent loss of a relationship combined with my daily stresses has resulted in sickness.  So, as I sit here in my bed on day two of no work I realize my mental process is now negatively affecting my physical and my immune system has finally relented.  Grief affects us all, whether it be loss through death or loss through divorce or a breakup, it will have an affect on a deeper level than we realize.  Not allowing yourself to grieve is a recipe for disaster.  If you push it away now it will find a way to resurface later.

Grief often works in cycles but it doesn’t mean that once you move through one cycle that it is done.  Often we can cycle back more than once through the sadness or anger if we do not properly process or we encounter a situation that brings up memories.  Even with all my knowledge of different methods I have still allowed my mind and body to absorb and hold on to some negativity.  Yesterday I spent most of the day in bed.  Body aches, exhaustion, tension throughout my body, nausea and just an overwhelming feeling of sadness and anger had taken over my body.  In the process of doing a body scan I realized my solar plexus area was, and still is, extremely sore.  This area of the body is connected to our self-esteem.  When it is blocked it will not only create all the symptoms I was physically having, it is also directly tied to self-esteem, and mine has recently taken a hard hit.  Self-love, self-acceptance and knowing your self-worth are all vital to the health and balance of your solar plexus chakra.  So how do I get myself out of this negative place, get myself back in balance, restore my mind, body, and spirit back to health?

The first big step is to move passed the feelings of loss and get myself on the path of acceptance in the grief process.  The relationship whys and what ifs no longer matter, let it go and stop talking about the other person and the relationship and change the focus to yourself and the future.  After a relationship ends we feel rejected or maybe guilty, depending on the circumstances, and this can lead to negative thoughts and feelings towards ourselves.  So the second big step for me in home care is to focus on building myself back up, understanding this was not about me not being enough or not being worthy, we were just not in alignment and no longer on the same path.  I can work towards building my self-esteem and self-worth with EFT and positive affirmations.  Caring for the nausea and body tension can include herbal tea, healthy food choices and a little yoga and meditation.  When a specific area of the body is ill and suffering I also find visualization is a great tool in the healing process.

I picture my stomach area red and irritated with a bunch of knots tied in a rope and the redness is pulsing.  Then I picture the redness fading to a lighter pink, then purple and a calming cool blue and all the knots in the rope slowly coming loose and floating freely.  This process helps relax my stomach and ease the nausea along with a nice ginger tea and maybe even a warm bath with some essential oils.  With tea and toast I can build my strength to do some light yoga and stretching.  All of this process combined with rest can help reclaim my positive energy and overall well-being.  It is also good to remember that what we are taking in through all of our senses can affect us, so watching sad or negative shows on television, talking with friends and family about the negative situation, or even listening to sad music can magnify the grief and cause you to cycle back through a process over and over again.  The goal is to plan for the future. What is your new game plan?  Your life is changing and what new goals are you setting for yourself?  The focus needs to change from then to now and looking forward.  Take time to write down things you would like to do differently or goals that you want to work towards.

This is also a good time to reflect on what you have learned that was good, but do not let yourself get caught up in the negative in an effort to find the positive.  Desires for what you want in a future relationship should be more clear as well as desires for yourself, like boundaries you may need to make more clear for yourself moving forward.  The grief process does not have to be all bad.  I have often said perspective is everything and the ability to take joy in knowing that you are moving forward in a positive way with new growth and a clearer vision of what you want in life is empowering.  Remove the memories, stop replaying conversations and move towards acceptance.  Accept the relationship as a learning process and now it is over and time to move on to a new lesson in life is the best.  Be gentle with yourself and understand you must love yourself first and foremost.

With love, health, and happiness,

Stacy

Lonely or Free?

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I had a discussion recently with a friend of mine where he has been in love with a girl for a couple of years now but she is unwilling to commit to just him.  One of his responses as the conversation progressed was that he just gets so lonely.  It really made me think later about my own situation.  I have been divorced and living on my own for a long time now and the only time I really felt loneliness creep in is when I was feeling really bad about my life.  Even with my breakup 4 months ago (we did not live together) I have felt many feelings and emotions but lonely was not one of them.  I look at my time outside of a relationship as freedom.  I see it as an opportunity to reflect on where I am right now, what I have learned, and how I plan to move forward.  I understand the grieving process after a break-up requires time to be sad and I fully embrace allowing yourself to wallow for a short period in that sadness and heartbreak.  Once you have given yourself time to work through it, (I have heard a month for every year you were in it and that has really worked for me), then you should start to push yourself to explore what comes next.

Perspective is everything and when I look at my friend and his situation I just get frustrated.  It makes it hard to be supportive to a person who is choosing crap every single day.  Are you really so lonely that you prefer to just be someones number two over being your own number one?  Why do people act like being single after 40 or 50 is such a sad situation?  So sad that you are willing to settle?  I feel like my forties is when many things really started falling into place and making sense to me.  My morals, values, beliefs, goals, finances, relationships with family and friends all really started showing fruit from my labor.  My daughter has turned 18 and graduated high school and started college so I am even more free to come and go as I please.  I am more clear about who I am and the woman I want to grow to be as I move forward.  I am more clear on my career goals and financial game plan as I move forward, and I am more clear on the kind of relationships I want in my life.  I am also paying attention to my mental, emotional and physical health more at this stage in my life.

There are so many aspects of being single that are positive to me that I never even considered the word lonely, I often referred to it as being free.  Free to eat what I want, when I want, free to stay home instead of going out, free to watch television or read a book, free to go to lunch or have coffee with a friend.  I was free to do all of those things in a relationship but there is a different kind of freedom when you don’t have to explain your choices to anyone.  You can decide at the last minute exactly what you plan to do  without having to consider anyone else.  If I want to wake up an hour early and write I don’t have to worry about disturbing another person.  If I want to vacuum my living room and do laundry at 11 p.m. I can, without consideration for anyone but my pets.  The ability to see the positives and focus on the opportunities in your current situation is the difference between those of us who are constantly growing and those who just remain stagnant in life.  I often speak of taking personal responsibility for your health, choices, finances, relationships…this also means looking at your perspective on situations.  Are you choosing to look at certain situations only one way? Change your perspective and you could change your whole life.

At this moment and time I have no desire to pursue a relationship.  I have only been apart from my ex for about 4 months and I am just now starting to pull out of the grief process.  I understand that I have my own stuff to work on and work through but I am excited about it.  I am learning so much about myself and constantly getting better in every aspect.  When I am ready to move forward and start dating I know I will be a healthy and happy individual that will only add to another persons life and I hope he is out there doing the same!

With love, health and happiness,

Stacy

 

Take Responsibility in Your Relationships

Image result for focus on the positive in othersDo you look for challenge in your life?  Do you look for ways to re-evaluate and challenge yourself to grow and learn?  Do you look to keep the spark in your relationships with new and creative conversations, experiences, or maybe even by opening up and sharing parts of yourself that you haven’t before to see where it takes you? Sometimes we expect others to create the magic and blame them later when a relationship fails or we get bored.

In a review of self we should realize others do not have responsibility in how we feel, not even in a romantic relationship.  So, if you are complaining about another individual not meeting your needs you should first look within.  If you find yourself unchallenged or unsatisfied in certain areas of a relationship or even life in general, have you made effort for change?  Relationships should not be one sided.  It is not up to another individual to constantly challenge, entertain, or romance you.  The true growth, spark or chemistry in a relationship comes when both people communicate and work together to create it.  That is why it is called a partnership!

The quickest way to extinguish a romantic spark is to stop communicating and stop physical touch.  If you are not talking or touching your closing yourself off from growth in your relationship.  If you are talking negatively to others about your partner, even if your partner does not know the words being said, it can be felt and the relationship will suffer.  When you feel anger, disappointment, or even just indifference in a relationship it is up to you to create change, do not wait on the other person.  Making a vow to only speak good things over your relationship and partner is a great place to start.  If you are upset, journal it, pray about it, see your counselor (everyone should have one), meditate on it, or hey…maybe just communicate it to your partner, but don’t give any negativity in your relationship or life power by talking about it at length to friends and family.

Your life will be better in every aspect if you think positive, speak positive and believe positive because when all of those are in alignment then you will only attract positive experiences and people.  As we move forward in this month of Thanksgiving please remember to have an attitude of gratitude and don’t take your relationships for granted.  With family and friends coming together over beautiful meals it should be a time of love and togetherness. Really take time this month to reflect and take responsibility for how you are speaking over the relationships and people in your life.

With love, health and happiness,

Stacy