Ask, Then Allow

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Many times in life we focus on what is right in front of us, which may include things we don’t want for ourselves. We become so focused on the misery of the moment that we lose sight of the bigger picture. The desired goal seems so far away. This is when we must be self-aware and remind ourselves that we are focusing too much on the negative and we must back away from the whole situation. Control seems to be a big issue with many of my clients. They want to know who, when, what, where, and how things will happen or change for them. This is not always possible. Learning to accept things in the moment and find something to be grateful for, (even if very small) is the best way to change the flow. Just tipping the scale to the positive side just to 51% is all it takes.

If you ask for what you want and then just sit there tapping your foot getting frustrated that it isn’t happening you are not helping the situation. Ask it, believe it is done, and then go on about your day doing things that bring you joy and don’t think about it again. I admit this has been a struggle for me and I am actually going through this process in my life right now. I am learning to just accept and allow and not have it all figured out. I am learning that the more I look for ways to find joy in my day the better my life will flow in my desired direction. I do my best not to talk about negative relationships of my past when I discuss dating with my friends. I do my best to only think of the things I enjoyed about each person and how I would like to have those things in a future relationship. I look for things I love, things I enjoy, people I care about, things that make me laugh and smile, and I just surround myself with feelings of comfort. Some days this is easier than others but when things do get hard I find that counting my blessings, no matter how small, that can tip the scale in my favor. From running water and indoor plumbing to my daughter and my pets, I am grateful for many things in my life.

We must learn to ask and then allow. Not try to force it, figure it out, and control it, and beg and plead, just have faith and allow it to flow to you. I often use the visualization technique called leaves on a stream. I picture myself walking down a beautiful hiking path and coming upon a stream. The colorful fall leaves float down from the trees and land on the stream. As thoughts of negativity try to creep into my mind I lay them on the leaves and watch them float away getting smaller and smaller. This helps diffuse my mind from the negativity of the moment and allows me to make room in my mind for more important and positive thoughts. Its accepting the thoughts and not trying to stop them but allowing yourself to have the thought and understanding that our thoughts are not facts and they do not define us. Acceptance and allowing life to flow while being flexible with your thoughts and feelings takes practice but in time you will start to realize that we are often making it much harder than it needs to be.

With love, health and happiness

Stacy

Alone

10 Things That Happen When You Start to Enjoy Being Alone

Alone: having no one else present, on one’s own. The definition of alone sounds a bit lonely at first. I have found out recently that lonely to one person is not necessarily the same for another. The truth is, I like being alone and it takes a lot for me to truly feel lonely. This recent discovery came after my long-distance relationship ended. I knew he was not handling the distance well but I also knew he had other issues he was working through that had nothing to do with me and maybe that is the real key to being alone and being okay. I am happy with myself, my path, my life in general. I am ready to accept another into my world and share it but I don’t have to have someone. I think sometimes people are lonely and any warm body will do to keep from dealing with the thoughts and feelings they are avoiding. Being alone means sitting with those thoughts and processing your shit. Being alone means not having to constantly be entertained because you have interests that keep you entertained. I can read, research, cook, clean, watch TV, garden, tend to my pets or plants, organize, write…spend days doing things that do not involve another person. I understand this may not be healthy after some length of time, but the ability to do it and not feel lonely is healthy.

I go out to lunch with friends, have coffee, get dinner and drinks, and other activities in my life. I visit my parents farm and interact socially. I am not a hermit. I think the key word here is balance. Balance includes a healthy variety of friends and family and alone time. If you are not getting quality time socializing with others that can be bad but not having the ability to be alone is also bad. This recent relationship had many warning signs that grew over time. It saddens me because it also had many wonderful qualities. It is hard to let someone go when you see them struggling, especially as a therapist. I have to remind myself that it is not my job to fix him. We agreed to be friends and here I am on a Friday night wondering what is next in my book of life? I admit, I am tired. I am starting to make peace with myself and my goals and become more and more comfortable with the idea of remaining alone. It seems dating and relationships have lost their magic for me. The times when couples would be miles apart and only write letters and get the occasional phone call but still stay in love are long gone. Attention 24/7 is often desired. People have no patience or grit to hang in and work for long term goals. Instant gratification and keeping score of who gives what and how much can often be the bigger focus than learning someones heart and their hopes for the future.

It is disheartening but I have not lost hope, but for now I do believe I am quite happy just being alone.

With love, health, and happiness

Stacy

Alignment

Align yourself with people that you can learn from, people who want more  out of life, people who are stretching and searching and seeking some  higher ground in … | Quotes to

Sometimes the ones we love the most seem to be the ones that pull us out of alignment with ourselves. Then I think, if we were ever really in alignment why did we attract their negativity? That is when I am reminded that the work is not about anyone else, as long as I am staying in my own lane, focusing on being my best, finding my true happy place, well…then I will feel good about life and remain in alignment. I remind myself of my values and goals and ask myself if what I am doing and the thoughts I am allowing to fully form are supportive of my end game. Are the people I am surrounding myself with and the words they are speaking to me supportive of my end game? Often times we cannot control the situations that come our way or the people, but we can choose how we respond to them. This is where the real power lies.

I have found myself trying to find positive, common ground with a person who just seems to focus on the negativity of each situation. When I make an effort to have a positive conversation about things the response often starts off with a negative statement followed by a slow backing up of how they are making the best of it anyway. My first instinct is to challenge and call them out on the negativity but often that is met with a either more of them trying to say it really isn’t that bad and how they are making it work anyway, as if it is some great chore they are suffering through. So I have stopped challenging them on their thoughts. If a person chooses to treat each day like chore and take on the role of victim of their own situation (that they chose), then they really have no one to blame but themselves. I no longer feel it is my job to argue or talk them out of this mindset. If you are unhappy with how your life is going then take action to change it. If you continue to stay in the same situation and make no effort to change then stop complaining about it.

People often want to point fingers and use others as a reason for why they are in the situation they are in, never taking full responsibility for their choices or lack of making a solid choice. When you are out of alignment and feeling negative the first place everyone should look is within. Unfortunately, the first instinct is to point fingers saying “you talked me into this”, ” I stay because I love you”… comments like this are simply cop-outs. Nobody talks anybody into anything unless that person already wants to do it themselves. Staying because you love someone even though you are unhappy in the situation is a lie to yourself, because love should not feel like a sacrifice. Look within and discover the real reason why you feel unhappy and stop blaming others.

True alignment starts with taking responsibility of your own life and not blaming others or trying to fix others. Emotions are a guidance system and if something feels off then be brave enough to ask yourself why and do something about it the first moment you feel it. It could be as simple as changing how you respond to a person, like I stopped challenging a friend on their thought process. I realized my need to challenge them was to get them to see things the way I see them and that is just not possible. We often spin our wheels trying to get people to understand us in life only to realize that most people have to just learn on their own. We complicate relationships often because we feel complicated within. How we treat others is often a reflection of how we feel about ourselves in any given moment. Take a moment to pause and really be self-aware of how you feel and why you respond to people and situations the way you do. Taking inventory may lead you to making some changes which I like to call re-alignment. This is something everyone should do daily. Mindfulness check-ins can help us stay value focused so our choices throughout each day are moving towards the type of person we want to be, an aligned individual.

With love, health, and happiness,

Stacy

Accomplishment

Nature does not hurry, yet everything is accomplished.

I have been working full time while completing grad school. During this process I have had many ups and downs and in January I will start the final year in my degree, take my state license, and start my supervision hours. I have many emotions about this next year but mostly I am just ready to complete the process and finally be fully licensed and practicing on my own. The education and licensure process to be a therapist is a long one but so worth it. I often find myself in the “hurry up and wait” limbo. I wish to be at some point in the future where I believe life will somehow be better or easier. When I think about it I realize I have done this many times in life and for different reasons. There are many good things in the works for the future that will come in time and it is important for all of us to remember to be more present. Basically, do not wish your life away. Enjoy each moment to the fullest and appreciate the process.

I am currently navigating my first long-distance relationship and he is in the Army. Around the time he is set to retire I will be finishing my supervision hours and become fully licensed. We didn’t plan it that way, but I am a firm believer that things happen for a reason. We attract people, places, things, and situations in life and I think my positive focus on my hopes and dreams for the future have brought me to this point in life with purpose. In my relationship we both are working on self-growth in addition to our careers. This distance in our relationship has its good and bad aspects but at this point I would say mostly good. It allows me to more easily focus on my education and career while still making plans for my future. It forces the relationship to move slow and for us to get to know each other in every aspect and really communicate.

Instead of pushing for the big end game take time to appreciate the little accomplishments along the way. Yes, it is good to be goal oriented and re-evaluate to make sure you keep your eyes on the prize, but not so much so that you fail to notice all the beauty of the present moment. As we move into the Christmas season and the New Year take pause to reflect on everything you have been through, good and bad. Really focus on the accomplishments and appreciate the present, slow down, breath in the moment. Do not rush through the holidays or get distracted by the commercial and gift giving aspects of the season, really take time to appreciate who and where you are in this moment in life…in history…because there will be a day when you will wish you could do it all again.

With love, health, and happiness,

Stacy

Healthy Space

Make Space to Grow as Individuals in Your Relationships

In my current long-distance relationship we have officially navigated through 3 months and have begun our 4th. Even though much of this new relationship has been discovering each other through technology like phone calls, FaceTime, and text messaging, we have also managed to spend at least one week each month in person. So far he has had more leave time and availability to travel than I have so he has been the one coming to me. My first trip to him will be this month for Christmas and I am excited about being able to see his world. Long-distance relationships have a bad reputation with most people and my current boyfriend was resistant to the idea. I didn’t push my thoughts on it because I never really navigated a long distance relationship before but I think anything is possible if you want it bad enough. After a week of great conversation and uncanny connections in life we decided to give it a go and focus on each other.

In this process so far I have found myself struggling with a healthy balance of space. I know at first you may think…what do you mean you are struggling to find a healthy balance for space? You are in a long-distance relationship, you should be getting plenty of space! Well, with technology I find that my new and wonderful boyfriend loves the idea of being on the phone with me everyday throughout the day and FaceTime any time we are at home and even when we sleep. At first I found this charming and super attentive and a great way for us to really get to know each other. He called it virtually living together. I found myself feeling a little overwhelmed. The big positive with our relationship is the comfort to be able to talk about anything. The communication is great and we have managed to navigate our differences very well. I honestly do not believe the comfort level would be the level that it is if we had not been on the phone with each other as much as we have. So with that being said, it brings me back to that healthy balance.

I am in graduate school and I have a full time job, friends, family, a home, and the need for just me time. We have started creating space and time to do things without always being on the technology with each other. In the beginning I can see where constant communication throughout the day can help create a level of understanding and trust but over time it can feel suffocating. I felt guilty when I had these feelings because I had prayed so hard for a good man who loves me as much as I love him and here I am asking him to give me some space. I felt conflicted at first but then I took time to really think about it. Creating a healthy balance is important and actually more beneficial to the relationship. This last visit together was a great example of how too much time together can actually have a negative impact. With Covid19 we didn’t really leave the house at all and spent 10 days together. When he left to go home we talked on the phone basically reviewing the week and we both agreed, we felt more like an old married couple and not a new, exciting relationship and it was concerning for both of us. I thought of a quote from the movie Eat, Pray, Love with Julia Roberts, when James Franco’s character says: “you haven’t even given me a chance to miss you”. I think creating some space and having lives outside of each other creates an eagerness to talk and share later. The reason it felt so fun and alive in the beginning is because we were learning things about each other. When you spend every moment communicating about your day all day then what is left to share and learn? In order to be excited to see and talk to each other you have to go some period of time without seeing or talking to each other, even if its just a normal work day. Creating space helps create space for individual growth and experience which creates two stronger and happier individuals which in turn creates a strong and healthy relationship and who doesn’t want that?

With love, health and happiness,

Stacy

The Divide of Parent and Child

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Today is election day and as I watch news reports, read headlines, and listen to conversations as I go about my day I see many different values, thoughts, feelings, and ideas being expressed. In a phone call with my daughter I realized that she would vote differently than I and it was a moment of hesitation in my mind. As a parent I have worked hard to teach my one and only daughter to think for herself, have her own thoughts, ideas, and feelings and trusted that her morals, values and character would grow from seeds I have planted along the way. So when I first heard this information I wanted to challenge her, but I stopped myself. In that moment of silence I simply said, okay. I realized that my job was done well, that my thoughts and opinions were not pushed upon her, that she had become the strong independent woman I wanted her to be, and that she was deciding for herself. I know my daughter is smart, loving, and capable, and a young woman with her own dreams for the future that may be very different than my own. I trust that any choices she makes moving forward is a choice that she is willing to take full responsibility for and some of the choices I may not agree with and that is okay. As my daughter transitions into adulthood I know that she is finding her own path and I am proud of her constant desire to learn, explore and grow. Division of child from parent is a good thing, it means you did your job and they are ready to leave the nest. Even if they may take a different path than the one you had planned for them, love them anyway. First a parent must give a child roots to grow and then we must give them wings to fly.

With love, health, and happiness,

Stacy

How Busy is too Busy?

My Top 5 Health And Fitness Tips For Busy Women and Moms •

I am a full time office manager for a busy private practice counseling center. I am also a full time graduate student getting my masters in mental health counseling. I am also doing my practicum at my private practice site location where I am the office manager, which includes not only my regular office duties but now, also seeing clients. Not to mention all the other responsibilities I have in my life right now, a teenage daughter, a long distance relationship, and paying my bills, taking care of my pets…well, you get the point. Each day I play the roulette wheel of life to figure out where my focus will be to make sure I am giving my time to the most important projects and people. This has become a delicate balancing act, attempting to keep all the balls in the air and not letting them all fall completely to the ground.

I know I am not the only one who is doing this juggling/balancing act each week. Luckily I can see the light at the end of the tunnel with my graduation in May and my final internship next Summer. Supervision hours will start this time next year and before I know it, I will be successfully navigating my business plan for the future. These steady stepping stones are even more clear to me with my new relationship added into the picture. I have met a man who is military and on a similar timeline to his retirement. About the time I complete my supervision and become a fully licensed counselor he will be retiring from the Army and moving back to Missouri. This three year plan sounds like a long time and a lot of work but I can look back and remember when I was just finishing my BA in Psychology. So this brings me to the current evaluation of my busy life. How busy is too busy?

I have a new relationship I am navigating and even though we both have so much in common and similar long term goals, there is a distance between us that just makes things feel more complicated. As I am learning what kind of counselor I want to be I am also learning a new relationship and becoming more clear on how I see my future five years from now. When I think of how busy and stressed I am I realize that there is an end game, all my stress and everything making me so busy is for a purpose. I believe that purpose is what makes it easier to tolerate and more manageable. So my answer is, when busy is too busy is for you to decide. Are the things that make you feel so damn busy all the time really worthy of the stress? Are they projects and people you are investing in for the betterment of your future? Then it is not too much, it is not too busy, its worth it. I am a strong believer in re-evaluating our goals, routines, habits, and even relationships on a regular basis. If you are feeling overwhelmed and just too busy, then it is time to see if you can bring yourself peace of mind with your current choices or are there some things that need to go? Because you are never really too busy for your priorities in life.

With love, health, and happiness

Stacy

A New Life

Be so Thankful for all you have now! God hears your prayers every-time you  speak to him. Be patien… | Inspirational quotes, Bible quotes, Quotes about  god

I am a big believer in the law of attraction. What you speak, think, and focus on most is what you will see manifest in your life. I have used tapping, vision boards, keeping a journal, visualization, meditation, focus wheels, and many other mindfulness methods to keep myself focused and positive. Self-awareness and being in the present moment has been the key to my success when it comes to attracting many of the positive things I have accomplished in my life. Practicing self-awareness has also helped me be very aware of the moments when I am slipping, being less focused on my goals, and focusing more on the things I don’t want.

When I caught myself slipping into the negative mindset I instantly went into action and started asking myself questions, like why? I have recently started the second and final year of grad school for the mental health counseling program while starting practicum, being the office manager of a busy mental health counseling practice that is still navigating telehealth only appointments, while taking care of all my personal relationships and responsibilities. Not to mention, I met a new guy through eHarmony, which was a unique experience that I was highly skeptical of but it has turned out to be a blessing. All of this stress is good stress but none the less, still stress. I felt overwhelmed, irritable, and just wanted time to myself.

I realized I was not taking the time to fully appreciate and be grateful for where I am in this moment and how far I have come. Everything has been falling into place at such a fast pace that I couldn’t keep up! Suddenly I felt like a poor little hamster on a high-speed wheel and I couldn’t stop to just smell the roses. I have paperwork at the office that never stops, clients that need me, homework and projects for class, parents who have doctors appointments, a teenage daughter who has one foot out of the house living at her boyfriends but still has most of her stuff at my house, friends who want to grab lunch, dinner, or at least a coffee, a new boyfriend that is in the military and can only visit one week a month so we make time to FaceTime and call each other as often as possible, pets that need a walk or to be cuddled, a home that needs cleaning, litter box that needs scooped, garden tomatoes that need picked, groceries to buy, clothes to wash, a car that needs an oil change, a body that needs to be exercised…. need I go on?!? I am spreading myself too thin at times and trying to keep all the balls in the air is impossible at times.

This is when you just have to try to appreciate the chaos and stop a moment to take it all in. You don’t have to have it all together all the time. Sometimes things will not be done perfectly but at least you are trying. Give yourself grace and remember there was a time when you were not as far along in life as you are now. You are at a point in life that maybe one time you only dreamed of. I know I have come a long way and I can finally begin to see the light at the end of the tunnel as everything really starts to fall into place. I remind myself to enjoy the process of it all coming together. Enjoy the learning process of school and working in my current job, embrace the process of fixing up my home, loving my pets, going for walks, and watching my daughter navigate her transition into becoming an adult. Absorb myself into the dating and getting to know my new boyfriend and how we laugh and love each other. Some days I may focus more on work or school, other days on self-care and family. You cannot be everywhere and do everything all in one day. Give yourself a chance to enjoy the things you have prayed for and be grateful by being fully present in whatever you choose to put your focus on for the day.

With love, health, and happiness,

Stacy

Tip the Scale

Law of Attraction made simple. Think 3 positive thoughts every ...

When it comes to the power of positive thinking and attracting more positive things into your life you really should not have to work too hard at it. If you are self-aware then you can easily tip the scale of good versus bad in your favor. All it takes is 51% more positive thoughts in each day to start the turn-around process. Stop doubting, worrying, and looking for reasons why something will not work and start looking for the reasons it will! I have witnessed this process happen in my own life many times and I am finally starting to get better at keeping the scale tipped in my favor.

Everyone has good and bad days and the truth is you want to have those bad moments and bad days so that you can fully appreciate the good. Lessons and growth happen from those negative moments in life. However, the real art of allowing and acceptance is understanding those moments are temporary and not a place you plan to stay. In order to truly learn and grow from the negative there has to be movement beyond it and towards more positive alignment. The effort to move beyond is the processing of what did I learn and how can I do better? You add those nuggets of wisdom into your big bubble of knowledge, hopes, dreams and desires and keep moving forward.

Self-awareness and tipping the scale also comes in form of signs. I don’t believe in coincidence or random occurrences. I believe we are constantly attracting people, places, things, situations and experiences into our lives. Pay attention to little nudges that are the feeling of your gut or intuition guiding you on a certain path…you may be drawn to a certain book, or person, or place…listen to that inner guidance system and be open to the possibilities. I have been practicing this more and more in my life and the recent results have been almost surreal.

Finding true happiness is first within yourself. You must be happy with yourself and being alone in your own thoughts and feelings, but once you have accomplished the happiness within yourself then the alignment has already begun for everything else. You will then start to attract the desires outside of yourself as you keep in alignment with yourself. Its true in every aspect of life….when you have tended well to your job or career, your home, your relationships in life then you see growth radiate out further into bigger parts of your life. Start small and just work on yourself first and you will see big things begin to happen. All it takes is tipping that scale in the favor of positive thoughts and ideas more often throughout the day than any negative. Then watch the magic take over!

With love, health, and happiness,

Stacy

To Know is To Love

When we think about sharing our lives with another person we must consider what we know about love as an individual. Think about the love you have with parents, grandparents, siblings and your siblings families, even the love you have shared with exes and maybe your own children. Then think about the love you know and share with your friends, coworkers, even your pets. Finally, think about the love you give to yourself. To truly have a strong and loving relationship with a significant other you must know what love is for you and be able to communicate it to the other person. Feeling and showing love is not the same for everyone, that is why there are books like, The Five Love Languages.

When you begin to truly know what you value and start dating, then you can be more aware of what you need to learn about the other person as well. What you find important in a relationship in order to feel love, respected and supported may not be obvious to someone else. I have friends who have learned that punctuality is important to me and I am also a bit of a planner. My love languages are words of affirmation and quality time. So discussing plans to get away for the weekend for some quality time with someone I love is super exciting for me. I have a very outgoing and humorous personality but I don’t necessarily like a man who is that way. I find myself often attracted to men who do have a great sense of humor but are more quiet and reserved types, at least out socially. The strong and serious, all business and authoritative mans man is what I find myself often attracted to. I find it special and sexy when a man has a certain side of himself that he only shares with me. I have certain things I reserve for only those most special to me as well.

As I have moved through life and become older and wiser, I often see my friends going through relationship issues or settling for a partner that isn’t quite what they want but “close enough”. I understand there may be certain compromises and exceptions made because nobody is perfect, but make sure you are being honest with yourself. Often we find ourselves making exceptions to things that we may only find slightly bothersome or annoying in the beginning stages when love is new, exciting and fun, only to realize once the new wears off, that little thing gets bigger. If you are truly accepting of someone who never makes plans until last minute or is consistently late or whatever the “thing” is, then understand…this will NEVER change so you cannot get pissed about it later. Part of dating is not just getting to know the other person, it is also letting others know who you are and in order to do that you have to know yourself and be honest.

We all know we cannot change people and we also need to admit, allowing love to grow with someone you want to change is not fair. Someone who is always late is not really an awful person who doesn’t deserve love. There are people out there that do not find constant lateness a deal breaker. It also does not mean that person disrespects everyone else in the world, maybe they are selfish assholes, or maybe they just struggle and truly want to do better. No matter which category they fall in, it is not your job to fix it. I have struggled in dating because I may encounter a guy that has many qualities I love but I realize there are things about him that really bother me. I try to rationalize and make excuses at first because he seems to fit so many aspects of what I love, but this is where we get ourselves into trouble. We must remember, the very beginning stages of dating is when we are supposed to be putting our best foot forward, so if this person is already doing things that raise flags then you have to know when to walk away.

To know yourself and what you find important in a relationship is the most important part of dating. Do not waiver or make exceptions unless you truly feel the compromise is worth it for the long haul. If you find it annoying that your new guy never puts his clothes in the hamper or dishes in the sink but he is fantastic at telling you how much he appreciates and loves you and he plans special dates with you, then maybe you can see yourself making the compromise. Only you know but you must be honest with yourself. Communication is key also, never sweep things under the rug, address the things that bug you in the beginning and give the other person a chance to think about it and take action to do better, if they continue then you will know this is something you will either have to accept or walk away from. You do not want to continue having the same conversation over and over about the same issues because those will turn to arguments and then resentment and it just never ends well. Either accept them and drop it or move on. You have to know yourself and as you get to know them, then you can decide if knowing them is really to love them.

With love, health, and happiness,

Stacy