It Doesn’t Matter

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There are points in our lives where we really take ownership of what another person may say.  When going through an argument or a break-up we often have a tendency to replay conversations in our minds or wonder what we should have said or done or what we should not have said or done.  Often, we walk away from relationships still wondering and wanting more answers in order to find some kind of closure, but the truth is…it doesn’t matter.  It doesn’t matter what someone else thinks of you and knowing will not change anything.  At the end of the day there is no real reason to continue analyzing, discussing and worrying over what went wrong or what could have been.  When another person rejects you or says something that creates negative feelings within you that is your inner source saying, no I don’t agree, I don’t identify with what you are saying or seeing.

Sometimes how others choose to see us is not really who we are and if we adopt their view it can leave us in a constant state of doubt, insecurity, anxiety and even depression.  We are all on our own path, yet we often feel a push to follow the path of someone else, especially when in a new relationship or watching others post amazing snapshots of their lives on social media.  The world is such a big exciting place with so many experiences to have, it is easy to feel like we just are not doing or being enough.  I recently caught myself feeling this way, which is easy to do when you are vulnerable from a recent break-up.  It is good to reassess, re-evaluate and take away from each relationship things you learned and things you can improve upon, but don’t be too hard on yourself, like I was.

We are all on our own path and some of us may decide diet and exercise are a priority right now while others may focus more on career and education and yet others may be focused on home and family.  Whatever, your personal goals are don’t allow another person to make you feel like it isn’t enough just because it doesn’t match theirs.  We all arrive at a different pace in different areas of our lives.  I finished my bachelors degree and started my graduate degree later in life because I focused on raising a child in my twenties and thirties.  I had a wonderful career in holistic health before changing to mental health and by the time I finish my degree I hope to combine them both into a specialty and open my own practice.  As I am focusing on my graduate degree and have been at my new job a little over a year now, so I feel I have found my groove and can balance my schedule better.  In this process I have started incorporating other areas that have been pushed to the back burner, like my diet and exercise.

I was very hard on myself up until recently because I had allowed myself to gain about 15 pounds when I went through all the job change and going back to school process.  I even convinced myself that the weight gain was part of the reason my relationship was ending, but honestly I was never told that was a reason.  I wanted to be everything and do everything and was convinced that if I let one area slide I was failing.  Raise an amazing daughter, buy and remodel my own home, pay off my car, finish my degree, have an amazing career, all the while maintaining the perfect hair, nails, skin, body and smile on my face and acting as if I am not stressed to the max and helping my boyfriend run his restaurant!  Looking back, I am amazed I had time to even eat and gain weight!  As I look back on the last 4 years I realize that I was pushing myself towards really great things and for that I am proud, but there were often times that the push was not always from within and not for me.

So, as I re-evaluate where I am at 41-years-old I have to really ask myself, is everything I am doing right now really something I want for myself?  Am I truly happy and is everything I plan each day bringing me joy to some degree?  Am I taking care of myself and pushing myself in the right way and for the right reasons?  As I sit here typing this I feel the soreness in my arms with certain movement from the amazing workout I had Tuesday, I have a beautiful window view of the pretty little street my office sits on, I have my counseling and ethics book sitting on the desk next to me, and just received a loving text from my 18-year-old daughter and another from a friend about our girls Thursday night bowling league tonight.  As I take inventory of what I have accomplished and where I am in the world I think to myself, it really doesn’t matter what anyone else thinks, or why or how or what everyone else is doing, I am right where I need to be. I am happy and I am enough.

With love, health and happiness,

Stacy

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