Courage: The ability to do something that frightens one.
I have struggled with many emotions since about mid-July. With a relationship ending suddenly and without much communication it was hard to fully embrace where I stood. The best way to describe it was feeling lost. Yesterday I finally met with my ex and we spent four hours just driving back roads and talking. I put everything out on the table and allowed myself to be vulnerable while coming from a place of love. We listened and we both shared our thoughts on the relationship, our thoughts about each other and where we are in this moment of life. By the end of the drive we agreed upon friendship and sealed it with a hug and a kiss. I walked away feeling proud of how mature both of us handled the situation and also thinking…why is this relationship ending?
Sometimes it is hard to accept that something is over, especially when so many aspects of it were good. It was weird to think how much closer I felt to him after that one conversation and he admitted he felt the same. It takes courage to be willing to let go of someone you love so deeply and simply trust in the process. It takes courage to walk away when you feel in your heart and soul that it isn’t over yet, like there is more chapters involving this person in my story. I have many things to focus on in my life right now and a big part of it is working on bettering myself mentally, physically, emotionally and spiritually. I know many people would say it is possible to grow in all those aspects while still nurturing a relationship, but sometimes there is a need to separate ourselves from others in order to grow in to who we are supposed to be. It is scary and exciting to be moving forward on my own. I am a empty-nester with my daughter leaving for college and my relationship is officially over and now has some closure. I feel a sigh of relief but also a sadness. I have people in my life who love and support me, but basically, I am alone for the first time in my life…. really alone. No boyfriend, no roommate, no child at home… just me.
Entering my home to be greeted by my cats and my dog, my daughter gone out with her boyfriend, my final conversation of my ended relationship swirling in my head, it really sunk in that I am no longer responsible for anyone but myself. Are we really ever alone? No, I don’t believe so. I feel the presence of God with me often when I get silent and still, usually in the early hours of the morning. I do believe things happen for a reason and we may never fully understand the reasons. Real courage is having faith and believing that as long as we keep moving forward it will all be okay. Let go of controlling the situation and needing to know the when, where, how and why of everything. Learning to go with the flow and trust that life is unfolding just as it is supposed to is the best way to be. Acceptance and trust takes more courage than forcing action and pushing for answers.
Maybe in time the idea that him and I will cross paths again and the spark will return stronger than before will fade. Maybe he will move forward and find someone new who will make him feel everything he didn’t with me. Maybe I will find someone new, but that thought seems impossible for me right now. I know one thing for sure, it is my time to date myself and embrace this time to fully be alone. I have shown courage in so many aspects of my life, usually because situations forced me to and not by choice. Today I am making the choice. I am choosing to fully let go of all sense of attachment to everyone and everything and allowing myself to fully embrace this moment. Embracing the freedom and courage to be and do whatever my soul desires without explanation to anyone. Let the adventure begin! What area of your life is requiring you to have courage?
With love, health, happiness and a little courage to all of you,