Sometimes we encounter a difficult time in our relationships that causes both people to re-evaluate themselves, the relationship and life in general. In these moments you can feel like the world is crashing down around you because nothing seems to be what you thought. Those moments of chaos can be very emotional, but when things start to come into focus again you can see the chaos was necessary. It is not always easy to stay logical and positive in the chaos, but if you respond in a strong and respectful way to the process you may find, with a little patience, the love will return.
I knew my relationship had some issues from the beginning, let’s face it, all relationships do. We all bring our own quirks and expectations to the table and when we are rejected because of those quirks or our expectations are not met, things start to fall apart. I often write about acceptance, unconditional love, and finding true happiness within yourself. We all know we cannot change other people, they have to want to make the changes necessary to be a happier, healthier person. I often hear people say you should not ever want to change a person but at 41-years-old I am here to tell you, everyone should want to change. There is nothing wrong with completely accepting yourself as you are in this moment and at the same time also knowing that there is always room to improve in some areas of your life. Fully accept that others may point out ways you can change and understand that it is not always an insult, but can be an act of love.
How you communicate with the person you love is the key to creating a safe environment for positive change. Many couples who marry young understand this most of all. No individual is the same person at 30 that they were at 20 and no 40 year old is the same person they were at 30. The more life we live the more likely life experiences occur that can change us to the core. Getting married, divorced, having children, experiencing loss of a loved one, sickness of a loved one, finishing college, getting a great job, losing a great job, traveling, financial securities and insecurities, health issues, accidents…there are so many factors that create who we are and explain the why. Learning a persons story is so important to the love process. So if a person doesn’t open up and share their stories of why, then how can love fully blossom?
A person has to trust you and be ready to share their personal story, because some parts of their story may be really hard. When we are young, scared, lonely, sad, depressed, insecure, unsure of what we want in life or who we are, we may make bad choices. This can be a hard thing to admit to a person we love later because we risk rejection and shame with our vulnerability. The truth is, if you cannot be vulnerable with the people you love most then you are denying yourself the most rewarding type of love in life. Change sometimes begins with just laying it all out on the table and telling your story, the good, the bad and the ugly. Accept yourself and remind them that the person standing in front of them that they love so much would not be this person if it were not for all the past experiences. So if they cannot accept your past then they never loved the real you.
Knowing and accepting are the first steps to a strong relationship with anyone. To truly know a person and still accept them is the first step in the process of allowance. Allowance opens the door to deeper love and the opportunity to grow and change for the better. We all understand that it is one thing to finally find acceptance of yourself but completely another to find total acceptance and love from another human being. You will find a joy that brings the desire to do and be better because human connection is such an important part of a happy life. Sometimes it takes time for a person to feel safe enough to allow themselves to let down the walls and tell their story. They have created a facade of having it all together on the outside with the success, money, clothes, travel and material things, but they are struggling on the inside. When, or if, they do finally decide to open up they will find why people say money cannot buy happiness. As cliche as it sounds, we all know true wealth is in the loving relationships we build in life.
You cannot run away every time things get hard, you have to share and communicate, you have support and listen, you have to choose to be in the relationship and actively take part every day, not just coast on autopilot letting the other person carry the weight. As we change and grow through the stages of life we start to really see the value in finding those people who push a little change in our face. Those people who challenge us are the ones we should value most. We may be resistant at first and even feel hurt by the idea that we might need to change in some way, but acceptance does not always mean accepting things exactly as they are. Sometimes it means accepting that a little change may be necessary in order to truly know love.
With love, health and happiness,