Ever been with someone you love and they say or do something that completely hurts your heart? You wonder later if maybe you are being a big baby but you analyze it from every direction and basically the comment or action was just for no other reason than to be mean. Mama has always said, if you don’t have anything nice to say, then don’t say anything at all. I guess we are all human and say things we don’t mean at times. Right? At what point do the little cuts become a big wound? How do we distinguish between being human versus being abusive?
I have encountered quite a few men in my life, (my father, bosses, friends and boyfriends) that have the habit of always pointing out the negative with ease, but rarely giving a compliment. This is something I pay a lot of attention to because my love language is mainly words of affirmation. I like to hear that I am appreciated, I prefer a love letter over a material gift, I need those words in order to feel fully loved. Everyone has a love language and I believe my boyfriend has completely different love languages than I do. My most important languages are words of affirmation and quality time, I believe his are acts of kindness and gifts. The book of 5 Love Languages can really help you navigate how people show their love and feel loved in return and in this process also help you to not be as frustrated or get your feelings hurt.
I understand that people have bad days, I am actually probably one of the most forgiving, understanding, and positive people on the planet because I study people. I get to know people, I watch, listen and learn constantly. I take my time to reflect and analyze words and actions of others before I come to a decision on how to respond, if I respond at all. I usually know when people are genuine or simply just being assholes. If you can be really honest with yourself then it makes it easier to identify the assholes in life. Being honest with yourself means, not making excuses for other people who talk down to you or treat you badly over and over again. If you are dating a guy that makes you feel bad about yourself on a regular basis then he is probably just an ass and you need to move on. Unfortunately, women (or men) with a low self esteem don’t believe they deserve better and they just make excuses and continue to be the victim, not realizing they have a choice.
I have had my feelings hurt before, as a matter of fact I had my feelings hurt twice this week and I found myself thinking about it a bit deeper. My first reaction was upset, I didn’t cry but I got quiet. Then I got a bit angry which made me even more quiet because I refuse to speak in anger, I have learned angry words lead to regret. When someone hurts us our first reaction is to hurt back and that only makes matters worse. The person who hurt my feelings came off really harsh but also a bit playful. I didn’t say much and just changed the subject of conversation. Two nights later it happened again, over the top reaction to something by this same person towards me. Again I was quiet and thought intently about how I should respond. He knew he had hit a nerve and again tried to play it off like a joke. I tried to remind myself that he had been sick for a week with a bad cold, so I decided to react in a playful way. I pointed out the two harsh jabs in one week and told him I didn’t like him when he was sick because he becomes a cantankerous old man. He sat on the couch with a smile on his face knowing that it was true. However, to be perfectly honest, a part of me was still hurt by his choice to be mean to me for no apparent reason.
The next morning I drove to work thinking about the incident because the comment didn’t bother as much as the fact that it bothered me so much…I asked myself why? My conclusion…he rarely ever gives me compliments. If he complimented me with the ease that it took him to say those hurtful things it probably would not have stung so bad. It saddens me that a person so close to me can so easily make fun of me but rarely tell me all the things he loves and appreciates about me. It all comes back to my love language. If your love language is quality time and your significant other never spends time with you then you will feel hurt. If your love language is gifts and they never remember special occasions then you will feel hurt, My love language is words of affirmation and I rarely hear them so when he says something mean it hurts me deeper than it should. So how do I get over that?
This is where things really start to get deep. You have to be very in control of yourself and how you choose to see the world. Basically, what other people think about you is none of your business, even those that you love. Other people are going to have good and bad days and some who love you may be jealous of you or many other crazy feelings and emotions. The point is, you can’t spend your life worrying about the small stuff and it is all small stuff. I am very focused on getting myself to a certain level in life, so focused that even the man I love will not make me feel bad about myself. If he wants to be mean then he can have his words but I will not join him in the fight. I know who I am and where I am going and no one will take me from my path.
We have to realize that when we are going strong, feeling blessed, and really focused, some people, (even the ones we love the most) may be intimidated by our success. We cannot allow their insecurities to change how we feel because their negativity is their problem, not ours. Get quiet and think to yourself what you know to be true….maybe they are really just having a bad day, or maybe they are truly just being an asshole. If you are honest with yourself then you will know the truth in your heart and the truth will set you free! Don’t take it personal because their thoughts and actions towards you or anyone else should not reflect on you. You are only responsible for how you respond, and your thoughts and actions.
Love, Happiness, Health, and the Truth,